I had a really nice long weekend with Kiki. We played, made “mama kava”, baked, napped, read books, danced around the living room, built pillow/blanket forts, soaked in the sun and enjoyed the breeze fall weekend. Four days seemed like eternity of time together and then somehow it was Sunday and I was taking her for the first time to her dad’s house.
I walked into his house and I was immediately drenched with pain and heartbreak. There was so much emptiness. Part of me needed to see where he was starting his new life and part of me was in denial that I was actually standing in his new life. That life seemed so empty, so cold, so unfamiliar. Just like him…
I couldn’t believe our life has come down to this – dropping off Kiki and driving crying back to the house that I used to call home….When I entered “our” home there was an erie silence, deafening silence. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t do any of that. I was succumbed by pain and all I could do is lay down holding tightly onto Kiki’s sleeping cow as if I was hanging onto dear life. I woke up a few hours later exhausted, every muscle in my body ached. I tried calling for the Sous chef when I realized I lost my voice. I spent the rest of the day doing some more cleaning and organizing. It always seems to do a trick when it comes to feeling better. I desperately needed to feel better and wash some of the pain away.
Soon after all the cleaning and organizing was completed, I took a long bath, a short nap, and some more tears were shed as I realized tonight I lost my best friend. The doors to that old life closed forever as he walked away to his new life and I stayed behind. Maybe I am behind now, but it can’t always be this sad…it will get better, and I fell asleep dreaming of a new beginning, a better beginning.
[source]family, Kiki, me, single mom