I blinked….and it was over. This is not one of those pretty posts – shiny filled with happiness, wrapped up in a bow, but rather a sad one. A hard one for me to write, a hard one for me to process, a hard one for me to accept but it is my story today.
So here it goes. I hope I can write this with much dignity so that in ten years when I re-read this or when my daughter is big enough to read it and understand it I won’t be ashamed but rather proud as how I felt and wrote about our end.
A few months ago the life as I knew it came to an end and I didn’t see it, or maybe I pretended I didn’t see it. I could never understand when a friend would tell me “I had no idea it was coming”. I just didn’t understand how could you live with someone and not see or feel it coming – that would be impossible – don’t you know the person you are with. Well the impossible happened to me and I had no idea. In one moment I was enjoying a long weekend as a family of three and in the next, it was all gone. All my dreams, hopes, wishes for our life together vanished.
After months of trying to understand what has happened, the chef moved out and I became a single mom. He went on to do whatever is that he needs to do, and me…well, I’ve had some good and some bad days, but constant reminder that life can and will continue as a family of two, really 2.5, the sous-chef is with me too.
I can’t really say I have handled this whole situation in the best possible way, but I guess it is the only way I know how to at this moment. I feel betrayed, I feel lied to, I feel angry. After all the pain and heartache I have experienced, anger and rage are the predominant feelings that I am trying to learn how to deal with. I feel paralyzed thinking of future as a single mom. Most days I feel completely numb, drowning in tears, shivering of exhaustion of thinking “how did this happen”, completely heartbroken, with no answers.
I know that there will come a point when I will choose happiness, sunshine, joy. I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to feel pain, I don’t want to cry anymore. This is not me. Now more than ever I believe time heals all wounds. I hope with time I will be happy again. I will laugh, I will love and adore. One day I know I will see the light at the end of the tunnel and that he was just a chapter in my life. It’s time to close that chapter and get ready for the new one. The worst part is that I can’t just close this chapter because there are 18 years of co-parenting that I need to learn how to deal with because after all it is in Kiki’s best interest. But with time I hope to learn how to do that too.
I know that with love and support of family and friends I will have strength to turn the page, rebuild my dreams, hopes and wishes, and create the best new life for me, Kiki and the Sous-Chef.#motherhood, family, Kiki, me, mom, single mom